Monday, March 2, 2009

I do not know how you have been doing lately, but I have been sick with a urinary tract infection. For those of you not in the know (aka-anyone who is not female), a urinary tract infection is when the various bits and pieces making up the digestive system get it into their heads that, ‘my, wouldn’t it be really cool to shove a kidney out through the urethra’. The rest of the body is then forced—against its will— to run to the bathroom every five minutes so that the abdominal part of the body can try again and make you piss a kidney. ‘I think it moved that time! Give it another push—harder!’ This process continues until you give said organs a major slapdown in the form of antibiotics. ‘PUT THE KIDNEY DOWN. YES, YOU. PUT IT DOWN. RIGHT NOW. I MEAN IT. DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE’.

Anyway, at this point, the drugs are taking effect, the digestive system bits and pieces have been ordered to their rooms, where they are to think about their behavior, and my kidneys are all whiney, because why are they the ones who always get picked on.

Fun times.

I do not want to go around tossing accusations, but I suspect that Roxie may have given my organs this idea. We had just gotten through another weekend and, as usual, she was feeling neglected. As though I were eating just about everything without concern for her welfare. I now consider myself warned.

On a related note, does anyone else remember the time that one could go to the neighborhood pharmacy to fill a prescription without the pharmacy or the pharmacist trying to sell you some oh-so-fantastic related product? No? I did not think so. Just thought I would check, out of curiosity. I mean, there I was, dying, desperately in need of drugs and a bathroom (since it had been a full six minutes since my last visit—long past time for my mischievous organs to give the kidneys another shove) and some monster in a white jacket was trying was convince me to buy 1) dried cranberries 2) powder to clean my system and 3) capsules which would replace the good bacteria that is getting killed along with the bad bacteria. (Are you shitting me? You want me to willingly ingest more bacteria? Fuck no—kill them all! אין חיידקים, אין שירותים. ) I finally bought the powder, just so that she would give me my drugs and let me go. Mind you, I have not used the powder. According to the usage instructions, common side effects include diarrhea, which is when the various bits and pieces making up the digestive system try to shove your small intestine out through your anus. Not exactly what I need right now, when here I am trying to teach my organs good behavior and all that.

2 comments:

Tzipporah said...

ROFL - sorry, I sympathize, but really, the way you put it...

Try:

Cranberry juice (not cranberry cocktail. Not even Cosmopolitans. Just the juice)

Blueberries and/or blueberry juice

Both of these are pretty good at staving off UTIs, and should meet with Roxie's approval.

That little bitch.

Katherine said...

use the damn powder you nana. it is good - it is the antibiotics which can give you diarrhea. oh and drink lots and lots of water - touch wood, knock on something, tfu tfu tfu shit now I'm going to get one, but I;ve never had one. Could be I'm lucky, could be all the water I drink.